About Fathers

In order of importance, right after Mother's Day comes Father's Day.  Who am I to argue?  I don't make the determination; the calendar says so.  The facts.  I only report the facts.  Unless, of course, I'm writing opinion.  But, as I was saying, a day dedicated to recognizing fathers is almost upon us.  Mere hours away.

While we're there, an exploration of what this day means is in order. Really, what it means to be a father.  These days the definition seems a bit fluid.  While being the sperm donor can run concurrently with actual fatherhood, that is not always the case.  Fatherless children are nothing new under the glaring sun, but it seems to me that the number of children being 'unfathered' though the daddy is present is increasing.  Often, it's young men hanging with the momma but not really exercising their options in the rearing of the baby(ies), many times unemployed, clueless, and downright directionless.  I believe that is what we hear referred to as the 'baby daddy' in modern slang. 

Since my dad was not really all that paternal with his biological children (as a pediatrician specializing in special needs children, he was considered brilliant and highly compassionate) when they were around AND was often not interested in getting to know us, I can't lay claim to much of an example from my childhood.  My relationship with him at present is a void area.  What I did have were caring and hardworking uncles who helped out a great deal.  But they also moved within their own lives and wives and storylines much of the time.  They were outstanding men and exemplary uncles.  And still are.

In a recent conversation with my younger brother, our discussion centered around marriage and family.  How two people committed to working on a changing relationship over a long period of years can produce a significant quantity of frustrations and points of contention as a matter of cause.  But that didn't necessarily translate into one or the other's ability to parent effectively and for the duration.

We went on to break down the elements of fatherhood in particular.  Daily life, the grind of work, returning home tired to a household awaiting his interaction after he has interacted all day with adult children and grownup problems with people not really interested in his well-being, hoping for a bit of peace, quiet, dinner, and downtime.  Only to find REAL children in need of interaction, more grownup problems, including a wife who has had an equally pressing day, people who RELY on his well-being, a decided lack of peace and quiet, often a fast food or cold dinner, and no time to lie down.

What's a guy to do?  He can't possibly bat a thousand in every area.  Someone at some point is going to find him lacking in some way.  If he was to be rated for his performance on the home front, a wife might cite him for inattention to her needs, or how long the TO-DO list has become, or his need to eat better and exercise for his health.  The kids might wish he would play catch more often and longer (who cares about that trick knee?), or allow them to drive at an earlier age, or float them a $20 with higher casual frequency.  Surprise.  Dad is unable to be all things to all people all of the time.  Dad is frequently tired, leaning toward unhealthy as the years and responsibilities tack on more demands.  And, let's face it, not feeling particularly manly in the face of all that.

But all you present and performing fathers out there, LISTEN UP!  You who remain in the picture for the long-haul.  You who choose to be actively in your child(rens) lives whether or not your marital situation made the grade.  You who find and maintain employment, often sacrificing your dreams and hopes to do the right thing.  You who tried to show up at the one game out of ten you are able to attend just in time to catch your kid leave the field or court.  You who rise before the sun and collapse into bed long after its setting.  You who are not their best friend but have their best interests and safety at heart in your decisions.  You who surrendered your once 6-pack abs and jean-worthy rears to long hours at the desk or double-shifts in the trenches, bedecked in overalls, collared shirts and ties, uniforms, and all manner of other uncomfortable and often unflattering attire.  You who adore a good steak and potatoes meal but graciously accept takeout or a microwaved plate.  You who want to be more than many think you are but you keep on keeping on . . .

YOU . . . ARE . . . MANLY!!!  You are men above men.  We see you.  We know you are working hard to make the grade.  You deserve your day.  You deserve every day to be recognized in ways both large and small.  Your presence, far more than presents, is what kids want.  Whether they show it today or reflect it later, what you do with character, humility, charm, and often humor, is making an impression.  Your kids are feeling the impact even when they seem unaware and perhaps a tad ungrateful.  Consider this your virtual favorite comfort meal and back rub and 'DAD, YOU'RE THE GREATEST' plaque, all rolled into one.  It is NOT a large screen television or season football tickets, a hunting trip or $10,000 bonus, or even notice that your kids' college education is being covered by Extreme Home Makeover.

But, you know, moms don't get everything they want on Mother's Day, either.

This goes out to my husband of 21 years, father for 20 of them.  He took in all manner of odd jobs back in the day as he worked his way up the ladder of success.  Never have I been so well cared for, and my children are beyond blessed by his solid example.  My brother, John, whose attention to responsibility would be a fine primer for our dad.  He took on college, work, and parenthood all at once.  Brother Gary, who yearned to know his own father and grieved for a time to realize he may never have the chance to be one himself: he admires and appreciates what Jimmy has done for Ashley, Sarah, and Zachary.  My father-in-law, who showed his son how to be present each day.  Uncle Zan and Uncle Dan -- they cut their 'daddy teeth' on us before beginning the job of raising their own brood.

My stepfather, Leslie Oneal -- Vietnam robbed his own children of an outstanding father, and on his good days with us he tried with more honesty than many to be a present parent.

Honorable mentions to Fred Beck, Mark 'Mister Mom' Schmidt, Duane Martin, Chuck 'The Dukes' Aguirre, Dave Mandarich, Matt Hampton, Darrell Reagan, Jeremy Geiser, Little Jerry, Phil Valdez, Uncle George, Uncle Jerry, Uncle Ben, Michael Lynch, Cousin Ed, Grandpa Mel, Ken Allgood, Scott Lockyear, Kenny Bruce, Rodney Edwards, John Meyer, Chuck Clark, Clark Brandon, Pastor Ron, Brian Seay, and all of the new daddies who have seen the arrival of their firstborn in the past year or so.  [I apologize for any glaring absences.]

You all bring it.  Each and every day.  Collectively and singularly, your fathering has touched me, impressed me, encouraged me where the future of our children are concerned.  There is no perfect father, any more than there is a perfect mother.  None of us are error free.  But all rolled together, a sprinkling of salt and pepper over the top, an amalgam of qualities and characteristics, you form my collective 'dream' father.  The Lord done good in your making.  You give me hope.

No.  No.  You give the WORLD hope. 

Happy Father's Day to ALL.